Oh, There I Am!

My problem wasn’t that I wanted to die. It was that I didn’t know how to live.

I didn’t know who I was all through my childhood and college. But as my senior year in college drew to a close, an immense amount of pressure built up, throwing me into a dark emotional storm and brush with suicide.

That dark time of my life set the stage for the dawn of discovering who I am. Through counseling, I understood that my inability to cope had little to do with my present circumstances and everything to do with mis-identifying myself.

It was a rapturous emerging as I gradually began to loosen my grip on the baggage I had lugged around for so long. My parents’ divorce was their own issue. It didn’t have to be mine anymore. I could be Me.

The positive parts of my upbringing were something to be appreciated, but that was just the foundation. I would have to make my own way now, building upon what I had been given. I could be Me.

The expectations of my instructors, my family, and my peers were theirs to deal with. I could choose to do what I loved and not be the person they expected. I could be Me.

I discovered choice! I could think for myself and decide what was best for my own future—not selfishly, but securely.

I discovered too late for it to change some decisions, but just in time for others. Now, over a decade later, I look back on the bold decisions I’ve been able to make, leaving a bold trail behind through thick wilderness, and I marvel to think how I would never have gotten here if I hadn’t been set free to be me.